It’s generally considered a positive quality to show compassion for someone we care about. I recently ran into a friend at the grocery store who shared that her mom was in the hospital and couldn’t visit from Spain as planned. I immediately felt sad as I knew how excited she was to spend three weeks with her 82-year-old mother. I gave her a hug and told her I could only imagine how upset she might be, as her mom’s health had been deteriorating and she wondered if this visit might be her last.
Showering the same loving kindness on myself doesn’t come so easily. Just a week later, I missed part of my uncle’s funeral service after hitting summer Friday traffic. Once driving, I felt increased pressure and anxiety to get there and became self-critical that I hadn’t left earlier.
“Showering the same loving kindness on myself doesn’t come so easily.”
I’m not alone in sometimes having a blind spot to showing myself kindness when I need it most. I’m a therapist, and most of the clients I see in my private practice have parts of themselves that resist and struggle when they attempt to treat themselves with the same care that they’d give to others.
When we can’t access compassion for ourselves, we suffer in silence, judging ourselves and feeling isolated and alone, which can lead to anxiety or depression. A recent study even showed that those who were able to show more compassion towards themselves than others were physically healthier. With all of the benefits, why is it so hard to do?
How do we learn self-compassion in childhood?
I remember working with a client who was one of the kindest people I’d ever met. Because she was so loving towards others and always in a happy mood, few would guess she found it hard to be loving to herself.
After she became a mom and went back to her full-time job, she noticed herself becoming irritable and short with those around her. When I called her attention to the possibility she was being hard on herself and then reacting to the self-criticism, she was surprised but agreed. She shared that it had become increasingly hard to be a perfect mom, pet parent, executive, and wife.
“I called her attention to the possibility she was being hard on herself and then reacting to the self-criticism.”
It turns out that when she was growing up, no one role-modeled self-compassion. She simply didn’t know how to be kind to herself when she was stressed. When she was a child and something happened at school and she felt rejected by her friends, her mom reacted by telling her what she was feeling wasn’t true and tried to soothe her by giving her an ice cream. This strategy wasn’t working so well for her anymore.
Some of us were fortunate enough to have our caretakers model compassion in upsetting moments, making it easier to give it to ourselves as adults. These “can’t cry over spilt milk” parents are more likely to inspire self-compassion than their “if you were watching what you were doing you wouldn’t have spilt the milk” counterparts. If a parent models what it looks like to be doing the best you can and that making mistakes is part of being human, a child usually learns to do the same.
“If a parent models what it looks like to be doing the best you can and that making mistakes is part of being human, a child usually learns to do the same.”
But it’s not our parent’s fault. We are more likely as a culture to be self-critical towards ourselves. This is a coping mechanism we developed to deal with perceived threats. If we beat ourselves up for making a mistake on the spreadsheet, maybe we won’t get fired! Even though studies have shown the opposite to be true, society tells us to be kind and to “do unto others” while viewing self-compassion as a slippery slope toward laziness.
Can you build self-compassion later in life?
Julie Madlin, a psychotherapist who offers classes in mindful self-compassion, shared it’s important to remember we all have challenging times. “So many of the people I work with have these beliefs that it’s only them that struggle in this way. If we can be a friend to ourselves, we are a little less alone because we can’t always rely on partners and family to do that for us.”
“If we can be a friend to ourselves, we are a little less alone because we can’t always rely on partners and family to do that for us.”
– Julie Madlin, LMHC, SEP
If you struggle with being your own best friend when you are going through a rough patch, know that learning self-compassion is like learning a new language. It’s possible, though difficult, and can feel unnatural at first. At first, it may feel weird to relate to yourself this way.
Madlin explains, “Most likely you have a younger part who isn’t used to being talked to in this kind way and understandably won’t trust it at first. Know that you are not doing it wrong and eventually with practice it will become natural.”
Much of the work I do with clients involves helping them see that they are separate and so much more than their behaviors. They are lovable exactly how they are, which can coexist with having a behavior they desire to change. Once this sinks in, self-compassion flows.
Learning to love ourselves is part of our soul’s curriculum. Once we learn to love ourselves, we vibrate at a different level and we attract others who are able to love us as completely as we love ourselves, instead of criticizing or abandoning us.
Tips and strategies for building self-compassion
Not quite sure if you are self-compassionate? There’s a quiz to help you find out. If you feel that you haven’t been practicing self-compassion, I’ve put together some tips and strategies for building your self-compassion muscle below. Remember, you don’t have to overhaul your life in a day. Small steps towards giving yourself more grace will go a long way.
1. Listen to a 5-minute self-compassion meditation.
Self-compassion teacher and psychotherapist Julie Madlin recommends starting with this 5-minute “General Compassion Break” meditation which speaks to the three core components of mindful self-compassion. You can do this daily, or whenever you feel the need to tune in.
2. Become aware of your personal barriers to being more kind to yourself.
Close your eyes and visualize the words “Self-compassion.” What comes up for you? The stress of adding one more thing to a long to-do list? Or worry it could make you lazy? In her book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself,” Dr. Kristin Neff, Associate Professor of Educational Psychology at the University of Texas and a pioneer in self-compassion research, outlines five common myths to self-compassion:
- It is a form of self-pity
- It means weakness
- It will make you complacent
- It is narcissistic
- It is selfish
If you are buying into any of these myths, reading her book will demystify them and make you more open to the process.
3. List three ways you could bring kindness to your suffering. Set an intention to do them when you sense you need it.
Take these three sentiments as examples. Make them your own, and then plan to revisit them whenever you’re being too hard on yourself.
- Remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and that’s enough.
- Gently touch my heart or shoulder in a loving way that says “Yes, you are having a hard day. You are doing the best you can and that’s enough.”
- Remember I’m not alone and that suffering is part of the human experience, we all go through it and I will get through it.
4. When having a hard moment, ask yourself what you would say to a friend in the same situation.
Think of the most challenging time you had over the past week. Close your eyes and replay the movie clip of the moment, observing yourself and how you reacted. Now tell yourself what you would say to your best friend if they came to you for support. Validate that it was hard and that you did the best you could and acknowledge yourself for getting through it.
5. Practice compassionate self-forgiveness.
Compassionate self-forgiveness is the act of releasing self-judgments to bring us back into our authentic selves and to our core loving essence. It’s best to make it a daily practice and it’s ok to ‘fake it till you make it.’
Keep filling in the blank for as many judgments as you are aware: “I forgive myself for judging myself as ____ for the truth is _____.”
Example: “I forgive myself for judging myself as lazy for not exercising today because the truth is I prioritized a much-needed catch-up call with a friend and just because I didn’t exercise doesn’t mean I’m lazy.”
6. Mindfully check in with yourself and give yourself what you need.
The next time you are struggling, close your eyes and ask yourself “What do I need to get through this moment/hour/evening?” Listen to your inner voice. It might say “a healthy meal” or “a chat with my best friend.” Once your system begins to trust you, this voice will get louder and clearer each time you ask, making it easier to nurture yourself. ✨
When we can respond to ourselves with kindness and support during the tougher times, our lives begin to shift.
Cultivating self-compassion leads to increased happiness, deeper relationships, and greater resilience. Taking the time to learn self-compassion is well worth it, and can be key to transforming your daily life for the better.
Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT is a Manhattan-based licensed integrative holistic psychotherapist. She specializes in relationship issues, depression, anxiety, grief and spiritual growth. You can find her on Instagram or learn more on her website.
