What do you think of when you hear the word soulmate? For many of us, it’s someone who feels instantly familiar — a deep connection where you finish each other’s sentences and never want to be apart.

But what if that person you are passionately drawn to isn’t your true soulmate — but instead someone sent to teach you valuable lessons that prepare you for a healthier, lasting relationship? If your connection involves more sleepless nights and arguments than productive conversations and mutual growth, you may be with a woundmate.

Soulmates vs. woundmates

As a psychotherapist who views relationships through a spiritual lens, I often see clients mistake intense chemistry and early fireworks for signs they’ve met “the one.” They confuse intensity with intimacy.

But not all intense connections are soul connections.

In essence:

  • A woundmate is someone you attract based on your unhealed wounds.
  • A soulmate is someone you connect with from your authentic self — your soul — rooted in mutual love, respect, and emotional growth.

Society romanticizes love that begins with a bang. But not all fireworks mean forever.

Sometimes they are the signal flare of unresolved trauma.

Soulmates come in many forms

We actually have many soulmates — people our souls bring into our lives to help us grow. Soulmates can be romantic partners, friends, mentors — anyone who catalyzes your growth and helps you evolve. But there are two types of growth: Harmonious and painful.

“Soulmates can be romantic partners, friends, mentors — anyone who catalyzes your growth and helps you evolve.”

Harmonious growth is gentle, steady, and nurturing. The painful kind is still growth — but it often blinds us to red flags because the connection feels meant to be.  And in some ways it is – just not for the reason we think.

From a spiritual perspective, we come here to evolve, and all relationships are opportunities for evolution. Relationships — romantic or otherwise — are powerful vehicles for that growth. Some deepen into steady nurturing partnerships. Others trigger the wounds we are here to heal — these are woundmate relationships.

What is a woundmate?

A woundmate is someone who mirrors your emotional wounds. These relationships often begin with magnetic physical attraction, overwhelming excitement, and exhilarating sex — but at some point become destabilizing.

You may feel obsessed, anxious, or confused. The chemistry is electric, but the connection is often rooted in unconscious wounds, not conscious compatibility.

Over time, the passion turns into pain:

  • Constant fighting
  • Unmet emotional needs
  • Inconsistent communication
  • An exhausting emotional rollercoaster

What kind of wounds attract a woundmate?

We all carry emotional wounds – like feeling unlovable, not good enough, not important enough, or having a fear of abandonment. These are often rooted in childhood experiences and remain unconscious until something happens to bring them into conscious awareness. The catalyst can be the turmoil of being with a woundmate. Their behavior, often unintentionally, mirrors our deepest insecurities.

Let me share a woundmate story from my early dating life.

What it’s like to fall for a woundmate

In my 30s, I fell hard for Henry. He reminded me of my dad — bald, protective, emotionally reserved. He worked in high-profile security and always scanned restaurant exits “just in case.” He had an air of mystery and purpose. Texts from famous clients buzzed during our dinners. I felt special, chosen.

But he was often unavailable. He traveled constantly. When I lost my job and texted him, he didn’t respond for four days. I told myself he was busy keeping important people safe. I didn’t want to seem too needy. I even started studying Judaism in secret after we talked about moving in together, hoping to surprise him.

Eventually, I asked him gently if we could talk more regularly. His response? He stopped texting and calling altogether. Then, during a visit home, he told me coldly, “You’ve become a chore to deal with.” 

“Therapy helped me understand: We were both wounded.”

I was crushed. Friends were appalled by his coldness. But I turned the blame inward: Had I asked for too much? Was I too needy?

Therapy helped me understand: We were both wounded. My therapist told me, “We meet others at the level of our woundedness. We only accept the level of abuse we inflict on ourselves.”

She wasn’t wrong. As we unpacked my childhood, I uncovered a core wound of “not feeling good enough.”

My mother was amazing in many ways, but offered little praise – only helpful suggestions. A wrinkle in the bed. A missed spot on the glass table. She was doing her best, but emotional attunement wasn’t part of our family dynamic. She meant well – she had lost her mother at a young age, so she didn’t have a role model for emotional nurturing.

Henry felt familiar. He was emotionally unavailable, prioritized work over connection, and couldn’t handle vulnerability. But instead of continuing to abandon myself, I started doing the inner work.

Healing the wound

Healing took time — and more than one bumpy relationship. But I learned:

  • My wounds were attracting partners who couldn’t meet my needs.
  • I was confusing anxiety for love.
  • True connection requires emotional safety, not emotional starvation.

Now, I see red flags early. I walk away from people who can’t validate, communicate, or take responsibility. I no longer settle for scraps of love.

Henry was a woundmate — not because he was a bad person — but because our wounds aligned in a way that created pain, not partnership. He helped me grow by causing me emotional pain that I used for growth.

Could he have been a soulmate?

If Henry were a soulmate, we might still be together. My same wound would have been met with:

  • Kindness instead of criticism
  • Patience instead of punishment
  • Boundaries instead of abandonment

A soulmate would have said, “I hear you. I know I’ve been distant. Let’s figure this out.”

He wouldn’t have dismissed my needs. Instead, he would have leaned in, not checked out.

How do I know I’m with a woundmate?

Woundmate relationships often start fast and feel magical — but once the dust settles, signs of emotional instability emerge.

Common signs you’re with a woundmate:

  • Instant overwhelming chemistry, rooted in physical attraction, trauma, status, or fantasy
  • Feels “perfect” at first
  • Constant unresolved conflict
  • A partner who shuts down or runs when things get hard
  • Resistance to accountability or change
  • Exhaustion, anxiety, emotional depletion, and confusion
  • Feeling unseen or invalidated
  • Questioning their commitment often
  • Frequent criticism, especially about appearance or core beliefs
  • Lack of meaningful growth during the relationship
  • Unmet needs despite repeated requests
  • A sense that you are losing yourself

If this feels familiar, ask yourself: Does this relationship feel nourishing or depleting?

How do I know I’m with a soulmate?

A soulmate connection may also begin with chemistry — but it evolves more gradually. There’s a foundation of mutual respect, emotional safety, and shared values.

Signs of a soulmate connection:

  • Consistency, dependability, emotional safety
  • The relationship fosters mutual growth and support
  • The initial bond is rooted in shared values and compatible life goals
  • Sex is fulfilling, even if not always explosive
  • You don’t question how much you matter to your partner
  • Love grows steadily over time
  • You feel peaceful more often than stressed
  • Conflicts happen but are resolved respectfully
  • You feel safe to be your authentic self instead of performing
  • You can share feelings and feel heard, even in disagreement
  • Your partner invests in your happiness and the health of the relationship

Soulmate love isn’t perfect, but it feels safe and secure. You don’t have to beg for basic emotional needs to be met.

Can woundmates become soulmates?

Yes — but it’s rare. Woundmates can evolve into soulmates if both partners are deeply committed to their individual healing and the relationship’s growth. This transformation takes time, often years, and requires self-awareness, therapy, and radical honesty.

“Woundmates can evolve into soulmates if both partners are deeply committed to their individual healing and the relationship’s growth.”

Too often, one partner has too much of their own work to do from unhealed issues that have accumulated over time. It can be overwhelming to start that work AND simultaneously work on the relationship. These partners go from relationship to relationship, not taking the time in between to develop self-awareness and make healing a priority.

However, some people — especially those with narcissistic traits — may be too defended or unaware to do this work. Their wounds are so unconscious and their inability to see them guarded by deeply ingrained defense mechanisms that protect their fragile self from shame. It’s likely that they won’t be able to do the deep work needed in this lifetime. You can’t force someone to heal. And staying in pain, hoping they will start, isn’t a self-honoring choice.

What if I’ve only had woundmates?

If you’ve had a string of woundmate relationships, ask yourself:

  • What am I prioritizing over emotional health? Marriage? Children? Avoiding loneliness?
  • What wounds might be influencing my choices?
  • What beliefs am I holding about love and worth?
  • What attracted you to this person?

Don’t judge yourself. Every relationship brings an opportunity to grow. Your soul doesn’t care how long it takes – only that you learn the lesson. If you’ve stayed in an unhealthy relationship too long, know that you are not alone. The longer you’ve been in one, the harder it is to leave. Your issues get intertwined with theirs over time. Magical thinking laced with hope causes inertia. It can take time to realize your role in the unconscious dance you are doing with your partner.

Ask your higher self: What is this relationship here to teach me?

Is it about:

  • Setting boundaries?
  • Speaking your truth?
  • Letting go of the need to feel chosen?
  • Learning to choose yourself?
  • Trusting you can support and take care of yourself?

Woundmate relationships can show up at any age. Three of my closest friends and two clients recently left long-term woundmate partnerships – 14 years or more. They did the work. Two found soulmate connections, and the others are dating in a more boundaried way or are content and happy being single. It’s never too late to shift our patterns.

If you’ve found your soulmate — cherish that blessing. It’s a gift to be with a partner who helps you grow in a way that feels safe and supported.

If you are still attracting woundmates, go easy on yourself. The universe is patient and will keep giving you the lesson without judgment until you are ready to choose differently. Growth is a journey, not an event.

“The universe is patient and will keep giving you the lesson without judgment until you are ready to choose differently.”

If you aren’t happy with where you are in the relationship area of your life, you are not broken. You are a soul having a human experience. You are healing. You are growing. The more you practice meeting yourself with compassion, the more likely you are to attract someone who meets you the same way.